I hate networking.
Have you ever said something out loud and then realized it’s no longer true for you?
I shunned networking when I was in corporate (and to my detriment sometimes). Starting my own company would have been a whole lot easier if I’d had a strong network already.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. My LinkedIn feed right now is full of layoff announcements. People I know and respect are suddenly looking for what’s next. The market is uncertain, AI is reshaping roles, and the ground keeps shifting under careers people have spent decades building.
Watching it unfold has made one thing crystal clear: the time to build a network is not when you need one.
SKIP STRAIGHT TO THE NETWORKING TIPS
Why I avoided it for so long
I’m a masking introvert a lot of the time, and my understanding of networking was not very appealing:
- Meet a bunch of strangers and be judged by all of them
- Make mindless small talk
- Try to impress each other by overstating our roles and accomplishments
- Be subject to, and participate in, a superficial assessment of what each person could get from the other
I really did think that. And based on that assessment, I approve of younger Mya’s decision not to participate.
Those experiences definitely exist.
But that version isn’t the only version
Fellow introverts, take heart. There is a version of networking that looks nothing like that.
Here’s what I’ve learned: the networking world is full of kind, supportive people who will do anything they can to help each other out. It’s also full of people who want to build genuine, authentic business relationships, not transactions.
And they want you to show up as yourself. Not the polished, performing version. The actual one.
Almost three years into this journey, I’ve started finding my people. A few of my favorites so far: groups like One Degree of Separation, the GRIT community, the Professional Women’s Alliance, STL Forum, and NSA STL (the National Speakers Association — not the National Security Agency). I have met countless coaches, speakers, business owners, and executives who are real people without any pretense who genuinely want to support each other.
I can walk into a room now and find a few people I already know, and meet several others I want to know.
The part I didn’t expect: gratitude
I’ve come a long way, but that’s not really my point.
My point is that those people were there all along. I just didn’t know, because I stayed in my safe zone (anywhere I wasn’t required to network).
And I’m tremendously grateful for the people I’ve met since I stepped out of it. Some introduced me to someone who became a client, some answered a question I was embarrassed to ask, some had a service I needed, and some showed up to support a launch, share a referral, or just check in on a hard week. I didn’t earn any of that by being impressive. I earned it — if “earned” is even the right word — by showing up, being honest about where I was, and being genuinely curious about them.
Relationships are the actual point. The business outcomes follow.
And here’s the deeper thing I learned
A big part of my journey (bigger than networking or starting a company) has been learning to show up authentically in a room full of impressive strangers.
For a long time, I had a corporate version of myself. She was polished, composed, and got things done. She also was such a narrow version of who I am, and keeping her propped up cost more energy than I knew at the time.
What I’ve come to believe is this: no one needs to be in a room where they can’t be authentically themselves.
If you walk into a networking event and feel like you have to pretend to be a different person to belong there, that room is not your room. That’s good information. Take it and go.
But that’s not permission to give up on the whole thing. It’s permission to keep looking until you find the rooms where you can be yourself. They exist. I almost didn’t believe that for a long time. They exist.
Refusing to network was a lot about protecting myself from rooms where I’d have to be someone I wasn’t. Fair. But it also kept me out of the rooms where I wouldn’t have had to.
Which brings me to right now
If you’re watching the layoff posts pile up, or you’re the one who just posted, or you’re quietly worried you might be next , you are not alone in this. And that matters more than it sounds.
It’s well established that we all need supportive communities. Networking, done well, is one way to build that. You will meet people who will end up helping you, and some you’re able to help. But, don’t network for that. Network to meet amazing people who can make your life richer just for knowing them.
The version of networking I used to imagine was about proving you deserve to be in the room. The version I’ve come to know is about making sure other people know they belong in the room too.
Like everything in life, take what you need and leave the rest. If someone doesn’t feel like a fit, move on. But don’t write off the whole thing because of the worst version of it.
A few tips, especially for fellow introverts
- Be yourself. This is the whole game. Sure, be on your best behavior, but if a room requires a version of you that isn’t really you, it’s not your room. Keep looking until you find the ones where you can show up as you actually are.
- Mindset. Treat networking as a research expedition. You’re there to learn about other people. That’s it. Anything else is a bonus.
- Open with a genuine compliment. One thing that works for me: it’s a lot easier to walk up to a stranger and say something nice (and heartfelt) like “I love your shoes!” than to awkwardly introduce myself out of nowhere. Inevitably, it leads to more conversation. Bonus: it makes the other person’s day a little better, which is its own reward.
- It’s not all-you-can-eat. You can network for as long as you want. Set a goal to meet three new people, and then give yourself permission to leave. That protects your energy for next time.
- Follow up. Connect with each person on LinkedIn and invite them to a call or coffee. The follow-up is where the actual relationship starts.
- Ask how you can support them. Who do they want to meet? What are they working on? And be ready to answer that question for yourself.
- Sample a few different rooms. Some events feel a lot more comfortable and welcoming than others. The first one isn’t representative of every experience.
- Ask other people where they go. When you meet someone you click with, ask what their favorite events are. Something as simple as “I’m trying to be better about expanding my network — do you know of any groups or events that might be a good fit for me?” works beautifully. I’ve led with “I’m looking for groups where I can make authentic connections.” People love to share what’s worked for them, and the recommendations come pre-vetted by someone you already like.
- Look in your own field. Check out events targeted at people in your industry and make friends with people doing similar work. They get it. While you’re at it, try getting to know some people at your workplace who don’t work in your department.
One last thing
If you’ve been telling yourself, you hate networking, ask yourself: is that still true? Or is it a story you picked up at some point that no longer fits?
Because the people are out there. They’ve been there the whole time. You just have to be willing to walk into the room.
